Relationships


I have been lying in bed, eyes open, mind racing for right around 2 hours now. I don’t know how to handle emotions, and I really truly do not know how to grieve. It seems like a process that people should go through without anyone telling them what right and wrong would be. It seems like a process that would involve feeling far more than thinking. For me, it isn’t.

As I was lying in bed a little while ago, I decided to check my myspace from my phone, which was plugged in beside the bed. As I was looking through the new status updates, I saw one from my sister. I pulled up the full update, only to see a sentence beside my grandad’s face. There he was, staring back at me. I’ve been running since Tuesday morning, but there he was, looking right back at me, as if nothing in the world was wrong. As if I could call him tomorrow and chat, or come by and take him to get an ice cream cone. As if he was fine, and didn’t know what all of this fuss has been about the past few days.

I cracked. For the first time since Tuesday morning, the tears started, and they wouldn’t stop. The memories came flooding back to me, and the pain of knowing that there will be no new memories hit me like a ton of bricks.

There will be no more phone calls, no more stopping by to see him, no more bringing him breakfast from Cracker Barrell or taking him for a ride up the side of a mountain and getting lost on the way back. No more “see ya later alligator, after while crocodile” or “I love you more” contests as we were about to get off the phone. No more late nights at the Waffle House or coming home to find him sitting in the doorway, AC on, and door open wide… and knowing full well that he was the one that used to get onto everyone else for exactly that. No more McDonald’s ice cream cones, or hearing him excited because he had walked again in physical therapy. No more him driving me to college, going to Cathedrals concerts, or going out to dinner with him, my mom, and my sisters. No more late nights walking Walmart, Saturday morning trips to the dump, or calling Gramps when the car breaks down or something on the house needs to be fixed. No more “I wonder where this road goes,” and then finding out that it wasn’t really somewhere we wanted to go after all. No more driving “around the mountain” to spend the day having a picnic and playing at Nickajack while he filmed the whole thing.  No more turkey and ham for the holidays. No more Gramps with the silly clown nose. No more Gramps with the red truck. No more Gramps with the Santa beard at Christmas. No more Gramps.

It hit me, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I still don’t. As I type this, I am still crying. There aren’t words, and maybe there aren’t supposed to be. There is nothing I can say that does him justice, and nothing anyone else can say that brings us comfort. Words are useless here. I used to think that people were afraid to talk about their feelings when they were grieving, or maybe there is some sort of taboo on death, where you aren’t really supposed to talk about it much. I don’t think it’s that at all… it’s just that there’s not a lot to say. It’s an odd feeling to have so much going on inside, but no real means, other than your tears, to bring what’s on the inside to the surface for others to see and hear.

And here I sit, trying to figure it all out… trying, as usual, to reason through my emotions, and to analyze what I’m feeling. So as I was lying in bed, my crying woke Nate up. He has to be at work very early in the morning, and had already gone to sleep. As soon as I realized he was awake, I tried to stop crying. I tried to put on the “strong” face, and for a few minutes, I could. He tried to console me, told me to put my head on his chest and it was ok to cry, and I’m not sure exactly what I told him. I think it was something along the lines of “I don’t know how.” And I didn’t. I know how to cry, and I grieve, but I don’t know how to let him be there for me. It feels wrong, somehow, to allow anyone else to see me cry, and even though he’s my husband, I don’t want to burden him with my emotions. As a result, I just don’t let him in to that part of myself. Tonight, I made the effort, because I couldn’t do it alone.

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I always think it’s strange when people talk about their heart, as in emotionally. I was thinking this afternoon about my own heart. Not in the physical sense, as in the beating organ, but as in all of the things that I have been through in the past few years, and the resilience of the heart.

Relationships are hard. That’s no secret. But I am amazed by my husband, who has stood by me and helped me to heal through some things that I never thought I would be able to. When we started dating, I was at the tail end of a devastating and nasty divorce. I had let go of my ex, but couldn’t seem to let go of the hurt, and honestly saw no hope for truly loving again. I didn’t think I could open myself up to being hurt like that again. He took a risk with me, in that I wasn’t so sure that I could ever love anyone again, and he bet on me healing. He was right, very much to my surprise.

Last night, we didn’t do much of anything special. We had dinner out for the first time in a while, and then did a bit of running around, shopping. Then we came home and just absolutely crashed. Still, it was the first time in a while that we had the chance to really do anything together, so even though it was nothing particularly special, it was special just for that reason. I got the most wonderful text message from him this afternoon:

Hey! I love you! You make me very happy and last night was fun. It’s awesome being married to my best friend.

I couldn’t agree more. It reminded me just how great it is to truly be loved for who I am and to be able to share my life with my best friend. I couldn’t ask for more!

Today was not a good day at work. Basically, our state testing is in 3 weeks (well, 3 weeks of school, but we also have spring break in there, so a little bit more, really) and my kids are nowhere near where they need to be. I have taught all of the material, and at one point they had it, but they seem to have forgotten it. I guess out of sight, out of mind? So now I have to review all of that and bring it back up to the surface.

I also went clothes and makeup shopping tonight. I bought some bronzer and mascara. I have no clue where my old mascara went. I decided to try this one, though, as a replacement. I don’t wear mascara much, but decided what the hey, while I’m at it…

I also bought 4 new shirts, which are all much more suited to the springy weather! Yay!! I have only found pictures of 2 of them online, and I think they look better in person.

henley-tissue

and

cascade

I also saw this dress while looking for pictures. It’s only available online, and I hate to buy clothes that I haven’t at least seen. Hmm…. I may have to think about it. I really like this dress, and for $22… well…

dress

I guess I’ll have to think it over.

I am sitting in class right now between assignments, so I may not have too long to type. I have unbelievable news, though, and since I can’t get it out of my mind, I might as well put it down here. Last night, the impossible happened, and I’m not sure where to go next.

I was on my way to bed and had just finished brushing my teeth. As I sat down on the bed, he stopped me midway through, catching me off guard, and said that he wants to go on a diet. I kinda sat there for a second before saying anything, not really sure what I should respond with. I asked him what he had in mind, and he replied that he wants to “diet.” Now, as much as I hate the idea of “dieting” and reminded him of this, still, it is progress. This is the first time in our relationship that he has made any reference at all to changing his eating habits in any way, so even that change has to be recognized.

I asked him what he wanted to do, and basically, I think he has it in his head that he can eat a little bit less and that’ll solve the problem. It won’t, and I know that- when you’re living off of pizza, burgers, and tater tots, just cutting back isn’t going to solve the root of the problem. I asked if he was willing to eat any veggies, and he quickly, without any hesitation at all said “no.” He didn’t pause to think about it. He didn’t give a few that he would be willing to incorporate. He didn’t even agree to try one. It was a categorical no… a blanket statement that really bothers me. How can you say you don’t like something that you haven’t eaten in years? Why would you refuse to try something just based on the fact that it came out of the ground and just might be good for you?

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I’m home now, so I have a bit more time to finish this up. He looked at me and said that he doesn’t want to make a lifestyle change. That’s very frustrating for me, because I have been trying to do exactly that, and after years of the yo-yo, I just want to find some balance. I don’t know whether to step away and give him the space to come to that point on his own, or to be that little extra boost that he might need to take the first steps down the road.

On a brighter note, I can honestly say that this week has gone much smoother than I would have ever anticipated. I have been helped along by reading some really motivating blogs and articles, and they’ve been just what I needed to keep myself on the right track. I have eaten very healthy foods all week, and have not missed my junk foods in the slightest bit. I want to believe this time is different… that this time will stick… but the truth is that I have started and failed so many times it’s embarrassing and I just don’t want to jinx myself or sound like a total goober by saying one thing, and then turning around and doing the other again. Still, so far, so good.