After this past week, I am seriously considering making an intentional mistake, and filled with a sort of “to hell with the consequences” attitude. After having been so good for a few months, and it basically getting me nowhere, I took a week off from being good. This week, I ate whatever I wanted to. If I wanted a grilled cheese, fries, and a mountain dew, I had exactly that. I didn’t take any pictures or record anything anywhere because I just wanted a week off of being so damn good for no damn reason. I have finally come to the conclusion that, regardless of what every fitness guru and doctor says, it does me not a shred of good to eat right and exercise to control my weight. I ate so healthy for 2 months and lost nothing. I ate like crap for a week, and didn’t run once, and gained less than a pound… which could easily be 1) water weight, or 2) prevented by running or cutting a bit of the crap now and then.

The worst part is that it’s depriving myself of what I want, but without any good coming from it. If I’m going to deprive myself… well… I know how to do that and get some results. Does it suck? Yes… but it works, and at that point, given two options that suck, I’m going to go with the lesser sucky… meaning the one that gets me what I want. I’m going to totally deprive myself of everything to lose some weight. I’ve got years of practice at that! So I am very seriously considering intentionally making a “mistake” by dropping to a drastic reduction… I’m thinking in the neighborhood of 500 cals a day, with running until I can shed some of this.

I know it’s not a good idea. I’ve done it before enough times to know exactly what a bad idea it is, but I have absolutely lost control over my body, and I look in the mirror and hate myself. I am tired of hearing people preach “diet” and “exercise.” Do you think that I haven’t honestly tried that?! I gave my diet a drastic overhaul, and I have been working out. That’s evidenced by the fact that my running has improved soo much lately. But still, nothing. And it’s so disheartening to see all of these other blogs where people talk about how they got healthy and lost the weight and transformed into these models of health and fitness with their drop dead gorgeous bodies, and to know that I have tried all of those exact things, and they did nothing at all for me. I stayed just as fat as ever. It’s like… what’s wrong with me? Am I just doomed to be this incredibly fat? Am I stuck this way forever?

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