Before I get to my main topic, I have an issue to address.

I have been so hungry for the past 2 days. It was to the point last night where I woke up in the middle of the night, tummy growling, and could not get back to sleep. After an hour or so of hoping I could wait out the hunger pangs, I gave in and got a couple of handfuls of nuts to hold me over til morning. (For the record, I had a huge dinner, so I know it wasn’t a lack of eating enough.) Finally, I got back to sleep, but then had the same hunger when I got up this morning. I had some soy yogurt, granola, a banana, and some more nuts. Still, on the way to work, growl, growl.

I could not get this hunger to go away. I drank a ton of water, thinking maybe I was mistaking thirst for hunger, but still, right up until 11:45 (my class’s lunch time) it was growling. It would stop for a while, and then start up again. 10:00, here it comes. Lunch was a veggie burger patty, leftover grilled veggies from last night, and a small piece of cake from one of my students. (It was her birthday.) The hunger finally slacked off a bit, but returned full force this afternoon after school. More yogurt and granola calmed it a bit…

Dinner was nothing blogworthy- picking at a few things from a mexican restaurant- not my first choice, but I was feeling social tonight, so I tagged along and tried to do my best with what was available. Needless to say, a couple of hours later, there was the hunger again. It just won’t go away. I just had some more nuts and am sipping some green tea, hoping that it’ll settle soon.

Usually when I’m hungry like this, nuts put a quick end to the hunger pangs. I don’t know why this time is so different.

I have also been really down today. That’s the main issue. Really, it’s not just today, but I’m at the point where I’m frustrated and upset beyond what I can handle on my own. For a couple of months now, I have been making a real, sincere effort to lose weight and be healthy. I have had slip-ups, but they have not been regular, and I have been working hard to make some major changes. The general trend has been in the right direction. I know that anything good takes hard work, and often significant amounts of time, but I’m at the point now where I feel I should at least be seeing some return on that hard work, and I’m not. I still sit at 211 lbs. The same weight I started from a year ago, and the same weight that I started again at 2 months ago. I am beginning to feel as if my body is determined to be this weight whether I give it oatmeal and zucchini or brownies and ice cream. As if it’s irrelevant whether I sit on the couch all evening or spend an hour working out every night. And if my body is determined to be the same weight and relative health, well then, what’s all this hard work for in the end? Why am I trying so hard, only to end up right back where I started?

Can I notice changes? Sure.

I can see that I now

  • am able to run 5 minutes straight without passing out or throwing up
  • have the slightest bit of muscle beginning to develop in my calves and thighs
  • no longer crave fatty, fried, sugary, salty crap (I mean…, snacks)
  • am beginning to get back some degree of balance (today, I was climbing around my tables and chairs in my classroom- it’s been a couple of years since I comfortably did that)

Still, is all of that worth it to me? I mean, I don’t just want to look fit- I want to be fit… but at the same time, a major motivator for me is my own comfort level in my own skin, and I feel like I’m getting no closer to that. And I’m at a loss for what to do to make it happen. I mean, I need help. I am doing to the best of my knowledge, and it’s obviously not working.

Breakfast is usually one of the following:

  1. granola, soy yogurt, and a banana
  2. green monster smoothie – usually spinach, kale, banana, almond butter, almond milk OR spinach, kale, banana, strawberries, tofu, almond milk
  3. granola bar, piece of fruit (this one is reserved for days I’m in a HUGE hurry)
  4. cereal and almond milk (usually one of the kashi kinds)

Lunch is one of these:

  1. veggie wrap – tofurkey, spinach, cucumber, hummus, tomato AND sun chips and a piece of fruit (usually an apple)
  2. soup, fruit, and a granola bar or veggies and hummus
  3. leftovers from dinner (always my personal fave!)

Afternoon snack:

  1. apple (sometimes almond butter)
  2. banana (again, sometimes AB)
  3. kashi bar OR larabar
  4. cereal and almond milk

Dinner varies, but it’s not generally bad. I mean, last night was a grilled veggie burger and veggie kebobs.

After dinner, if I’m hungry or just feel like I haven’t had enough to eat that day, I have another snack, similar to those above, or get into the leftovers from dinner.

I didn’t run last night or tonight (since I didn’t get home until 10:00), but I’ve been aiming for 3-5 nights a week, depending. This week will probably be 4-5. I’ve also been doing a bit of strength, though, admittedly, I don’t really know what I’m doing in that department. That’s a work in progress.

Still, I should be seeing something. Either on the scale or in how my clothes fit. Anything. But it feels like no matter what I do, the end result is almost exactly the same. It feels very… well, I hate to say it, but very not worth it. So, is the juice worth the squeeze?

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