I have been sitting here watching ANTM reruns, eating my afternoon snack, and enjoying a lazy Sunday. I’m a bit ticked because my Rhapsody software is acting all buggy again. It runs just fine, right up until the second I plug my mp3 player into it. Then it gives me that error message that it has to close. When I click for details, it tells me that it’s a pdge3260.dll error, but when I do everything I can find online to fix it, nothing is working. I think I’m about to give up and give it a try on Nate’s computer.

Anyway, watching these reruns has me thinking about a couple of years ago when my weight actually was where I wanted it. I had energy. I worked my butt off in karate classes. I looked forward to karate and to going out. I wanted to dress nice- I wanted to look nice. For the first time in my life, I was consistently wearing makeup and the occasional heels. I had dress jeans and dressing nice for work (or going out) was important to me. I don’t do that now. I guess I hadn’t thought about how much my weight affects how much effort I put into looking nice. I just don’t care how I dress now. I wear jeans and tennis shoes to work almost every day- and I’m a teacher! I can dress myself up however I want, but I’m still going to want to cry when I look in the mirror. Am I beautiful? Yes- on the inside. I truly believe that. But the outside doesn’t reflect what’s inside. So why bother?

I remember that I wanted to know about fashion. I wanted to develop my own sense of style. I have heard that you shouldn’t wait until you get to your goal to start on that… I think the thinking is that it will make you feel better where you are, and make life more fulfilling, or some junk, on the way to where you want to be. Always the pragmatist, I take a different view. Why spend the money on those clothes when jeans and tennis shoes are cheaper and I’m not going to be happy with how I look either way? As I got bigger, the larger size clothes I bought were not intended to make me look nicer… they were to fit, and I saw no reason to spend the money to get nicer clothes if I still wouldn’t feel attractive. I shopped off of the clearance rack many time. Why spend the extra money to still feel like I look like crap because of my weight? Besides, telling myself that I’ll buy a new wardrobe when I get to my goal (or at least closer to it) gives me a little bit more motivation. Every time I go down a size, that’s more incentive, and I get to buy new, smaller, cuter clothes to match the size. Still, I don’t want to spend too much money until I get down to where I’m happy. I don’t think that getting to a certain weight will magically make all of my problems vanish, but I also know that I’m never going to be comfortable in my own skin as long as I have this much of it.

My afternoon snack today absolutely hit the spot. Bananas, peanut butter, and blueberries. Yummmm!

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Now, time to do some lesson planning. Oh joy!

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